As I sit here on this cold rainy day, the word friendship flows through my mind. Friendships that are strong, that are undergoing some turbulence and friendships lost. One other word is also prominent- trust. Who do I trust? Who has earned my trust? And the most important question of the day, why did I trust them and can I ever again?
I have so many great friends surrounding me from all over the world, whether they are from cruises, journalism camps or because they have a pretty instagram feed and we started talking. But the friends you only see once every ten years, or talk to once a month are not the ones you need a solid base with. The friends who go to your school, work on your newspaper staff and see on a daily basis are the most important.
The near loss of a close to home friend is something that can bring in a lot of thoughts. When you realize someone you thought you could trust has failed you and created an even bigger problem with another friend, that's when the fear kicks in.
People ask me why I am a closed person or why I don’t open up, and it is because I don’t trust anyone long term. Maybe I call you my best friend now, but who knows where our friendship will be in two months, or even two weeks. And if I lose that person, who do I have to go to now?
While being independent and keeping my thoughts, good or bad, to myself proves effective in many situations, it also creates some distance between friends when they open up to me, but I stay closed in my little bubble of safety.
If I ask you not to tell someone something, you better not tell anyone because if I am to find out I will never, ever feel the same way to you again. If someone leaves me or betrays me, do not think you can come running back to be friends again a month later. I’m sorry, but I have probably moved on.
What is said in the paragraph above is what I like people to think about me. But honestly I am scared of people leaving and friends moving on. And while what is above is true, it is a fear that has consumed me.
So today I coming to terms with my fear of people leaving and of breaking my trust. I am understanding my closed personality, and I am evaluating who I really do trust. Who can I tell my light hearted, fun news to and who can I spill my thoughts to when I am in a rough spot. I really did think that there were more people I had the second option to, but as I think more and more, I am realizing that there is an extremely limited supply of people who I really do trust, forever and always.